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My Predictions For 2009 – That’s Right, O-NINE

May 11th, 2007 by shawn · 11 Comments

I’ve seen it more than once: the blog post predicting what will happen in the next year. Usually these posts are done at the end of the year preceding the year being predicted. Amateurs. Stop screwing around, I say. Make some real predictions, like I’m about to do right here.

These are my predictions – in order – of the newsworthy highlights of 2009. That’s right – oh-nine. Remember, when this stuff happens, you heard it here first.

  • MySpace will finally capture the elusive 60+ demographic, replacing email forwards as the most popular form of social networking among the older set. Elderly MySpace users will start updating their MySpace pages with items such as: urban legends they apparently missed the memo on, patriotic George Carlin essays he never wrote, and poems about people who die, and jokes. So many jokes. Bad ones. And they’re gonna do it all in CAPS. Cuz that’s how the elderly roll. (Get it? Wheelchairs?)
  • The secrets of Big Oil will finally be revealed when a group of lawyers sue the hell out of all the oil companies in one huge class-action lawsuit. The lawyers will make 53 billion dollars from the final settlement, while each of the 19 million plaintiffs will receive a gas rebate check for $1.92. Big surprises are in store for everyone however, when secret oil industry documents are released during the trials which require their own bullet point (next).
  • Secret oil industry documents will be publicly revealed which show monumental losses on each Wednesday, when consumers apparently had been successfully boycotting gas stations – losses never revealed to the diligent boycotters. One internal BP document from 2006 in particular will be particularly telling, predicting that if senior citizens ever got hold of how to use MySpace to spread the word, “it would bring us oil companies to our knees”. Additionally, secret dossiers on various inventors will be uncovered which will finally unravel the mysterious (oil-industry-financed ) disappearances/assassinations of the inventors of such devices as water-fueled cars, carburetors that got 100 m.p.g., and magnets that when placed on a vehicle fuel line would double fuel efficiency.
  • President Hillary Clinton and Vice-President/Ambassador to the World Bill Clinton will continue the traditional two-party government of the U.S.A., while bringing it to a “whole nother level” – ensuring an unbroken chain of Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Clinton ad infinitum with the announcement of the marriage of Chelsey Clinton to former President George W. Bush’s nephew – George P. Bush! Nine months later in December 2009, while making an extremely early announcement of his candidacy for U.S. president in 2016, George P. makes a cryptic statement regarding his newborn son “one day ruling the earth”. The baby’s name? Damien Bush-Clinton.
  • The real Saddam Hussein will finally come out of hiding – from the “real” spider-hole where he secretly had been running the offensive against the occupying forces. This will happen after most U.S. forces pull out of Iraq, but not before Saddam calls out the Iraqi villager reserves and they finally get to use those slingshots everyone stockpiled. Meanwhile, Americans rejoice when this new turn of events (in a strange and meandering chain-reaction relating to the storyline) causes Fox to announce the return of the brilliant TV series Arrested Development.
  • Apple will release yet another revolutionary product, called the iDream. The small, chic device will be the first ever dream recorder - it will have the ability to record and replay a person’s dreams. It will sell like the proverbial hotcakes (which of course will be consumed in pill form in the future) and Microsoft will follow up the success of Apple’s iDream with a highly-touted “iDream-killer“: the Zlumber. The Microsoft Zlumber will capture only a fraction of the market, selling less units than Chinese iDream knockoffs. It will also suck in comparison to Apple’s product. In an interesting side-note, a group of Linux hackers will release an open-source dream recorder with more features, enhanced dream recognition, and full dream-recording trading capabilities and will sell it at cost (“for the community”) – but virtually no one will buy it.
  • The popular Linux distribution, Ubuntu, will be happily received when the latest version (called Itinerant Inchworm) is made available for download. On the release day there will be four different digg entries submitted by various digg users announcing Itinerant Inchworm all with the same information, and all dugg to the top 10 article list.
  • Global warming will be settled once and for all when it is found that a secret Russian weather warfare machine was left turned on at the end of the Cold War – and whoever left the room forgot to turn out the lights as well! Fortunately the lights were energy-efficient fluorescents, but the secret weather machine (which was intended to crush the west with hurricanes, tornadoes, abnormal weather patterns, and hail mixed with fire) wreaked havoc across all the earth – causing a “perfect storm” for global warming-related book- and DVD-sales along the way. Unfortunately, after the machine is found in the back room of the Petrovski Weather Warfare Facility, the Russian government scientists make a few minor adjustments and turn it on again.

Now, doesn’t 2009 sound like it’s gonna be an eventful year? Sure does. Just make sure to send a gift to the Bushes – you’ll want to get on Damien’s good side.

I probably missed a few predictions – so if you know of anything that will be happening in 2009, please let us know (via comments).

Update – This wasn’t a serious post, but there are a couple of serious resources if you’re interested in actual predictions of the future…

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    Comment by Joshua Dorkin
    2007-05-12 05:07:52

    Very funny! I especially enjoyed the big oil lawsuit and Bush/Clinton dynasty pieces. Ever think of being a comedy writer?

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    Comment by shawn
    2007-05-12 15:21:54

    Word! I’m glad it made you laugh, but I will probably never be a comedy writer because 1) I’m not Jewish 2) I’m not Canadian and 3) I just looked on CareerBuilder for “comedy writer” but no one’s currently hiring. But if you happen to know Conan O’Brien tell him I’ll work cheap – but only for him. He rules.

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    2008-06-05 06:42:33

    And here are my predictions for 2008-2009 and so on and so forth and etc…. Whatsoever

    -Well, well, well, and well, let’s see what I can start off with gazing through my crystal ball
    -I see Hillary Clinton winning the presidental election this year, America will finally change and see a female rock our nation, Barrack Obama will become behind her and make it as vice president. I think she can handle out country she has it in her, everyone will think it’s John McCain untill the very last second
    -McCain will loose on bus buttttttt
    -Miley Cyrus will be the next Brittany Spears, but not dress sexy like her
    -The Jonas Brothers will be the next NSYNC is a Disneyish way
    -Tornado alley will have bad tornados
    -A bad Hurricane in October will stike the southern tier of Florida and create a mess a big catastrophe that is, not as bad as Katrina though, this will be in the teens of Oct in 2008, I think the 16 in the season
    -Britney Spears will have another baby boy and she’ll stay fat, her current boyfriend will leave her
    -Christina Aguilera will have a baby girl this time
    -Nicole Richie will break up with Joel Madden, get pregnant and misscarry
    -Hillary Duff will get married to her current older boyfriend and have a baby in two years
    -The singer Jewel will get breast cancer
    -Kylie Minogues cancer will come back and same here for Ellen Degenerous and Melissa Etheridge so they should all be carefull
    -Jacqueline OnassisBouvier Kenndy’s ghost will haunt someone in their dreams
    -NYC will have a big earthquake and tsunami in due time
    -Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will get a divorce
    -Jennifer Aniston will marry a record producer
    -The olsen twins, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Hillary Duff, Miley Cyrus, Raven Symone, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Martha Stewart, and Miccha Barton will get arrested again, for those who were before wouldn’t learn their lesson
    -Birtney Spears will fade away
    -Jamie Lynn Spears will abandon her baby
    -Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton will remain drunks or become worse, Ms. Spears will be in and outta rehab for the longest time, then she’ll be crazy enough to remarry Kevin, then leave him for a basketball player, though she still has feelings for timberlake
    -Justin Timberlake, will marry Scarlett Johanson, and then get divorced
    -Angelina Jolie and Beat Pitt will call it the time to split
    -This summer lightning will strike the CN Tower in toronto and cause a blackout fo rthe eastern parts of canada and ontario
    -Beyonce will have a baby soooooon
    -Singer Ciara will get married
    -Nick Cannon is cheating on his current wife Mariah Carey and she’ll catch him and vow revenge
    -Jesica Simpsonw ill be ina loveless marriage
    -And that’s it lemme know if im right bye forever

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    Comment by RamBryn
    2009-01-03 14:43:43

    On 18th Jan 2009, my labrador will turn 3 years old. In 2009, all the humans across the globe, will eat an average of one meal and visit the toilet once on an average. Britney Spears, who is sent by God to protect the human race, may want to shed weight and you, may add weight.

    Very good and hey, wish you a very happy 2009.

    Comment by joe riyaz
    2008-07-16 20:42:39

    My prediction for 2009 is: by February 17,2009, all broadcast channels thru out the usa will become digital and all analog broadcast channels will be shut down.

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    Comment by Awkie
    2008-12-03 23:28:36

    My prediction is that Hawaii will actually Switch to digital before the rest of the USA. I dont know why that popped in my head.

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    Comment by mason
    2009-01-01 09:30:14

    I’m glad this post is a complete joke, I was worried you were serious.

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    Comment by George
    2009-01-02 06:41:38

    Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera will become romantically involved during an over seas excursion for Today.

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    Comment by Yu-kai Chou
    2009-01-02 20:50:52

    Very interesting. I think some of it is a bit off after 1.5 years of progress, but very bold and funny! :D
    You have my respect. Don’t forget to submit your blog on Viralogy.com so people can read it :)

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    Comment by Your momma
    2009-01-09 04:56:17


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    Comment by Anders
    2009-04-06 02:14:40

    During a face-face interview, the thick black slime at the bottom of Rupert Murdoch’s soul will seep out of his mouth, live on Fox news. He will look embarrassed for a moment, wipe it off and try to hide, but everyone in the world will see. Later on youtube a million others will parody it, and Seth Rogan will star in “Slimedog Zillionaire”.

    Israel’s new prime minister will exhibit the same dribbling symptoms during a press conference, at which the american flag is seen to fall over in the background. Everyone will see it and turn away, but nobody will bother to parody anything on youtube anymore.

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