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Ways to Guarantee Your Life Will Suck

May 31st, 2007 by shawn · 10 Comments


There are innumerable articles, books, videos, and other sources of information out there telling you what to do to have a good life, get the girls, and make money. All that stuff is great. But come on! You’ve heard it all before!

So here I go: the opposite of what you should do to be successful. In other words, here’s how to make your life suck. If you want life to be great, don’t do these things…

Don’t Get an Education. Higher education is the single biggest contributing factor to making lots of money and being able to afford things like going on a nice vacation each year, not living in the projects, and of course “knowing stuff”. So if you want your life to suck overall, don’t plan on going to college.

Have Kids Early in Life. Kids are fun, of course. And they’re cute. And if they’re yours, you get to pick a name. But remember – they’re expensive and will totally change everything in your life. Have you noticed how much energy most single people have? And have you noticed the wrinkles and the dark circles under the eyes of parents? There ya go. If you want to guarantee your life sucks, have kids early – before allowing yourself to get established in life.

Be a Jerk. Yeah, you’ve heard the saying, “The squeaky wheel gets oiled” and you might have seen jerks get their way. But the truth is, people who are jerks don’t get treated as well as kind people. I know this from having worked in customer service: we’d help these people in order to get rid of them. But guess who always got special treatment? Either our top-paying customers, our most frequent customers, or our most noticeably kind customers. In other words, if you wish to be treated well – respect other people and they will (way) more often than not reciprocate. BUT if you want life to suck just be a pushy jerk! It’s lotsa fun and more work as well!

Buy a Lot of Stuff. Don’t you think those few people who rushed out and bought HD-DVD players are kicking themselves every time they see a price drop? And what about the people who sit down and look at their house full of cheap Wal-Mart junk that they addictively purchase? And what about…well, have you ever bought something, only to realize you didn’t need it? You know that little sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize you wasted money that you worked hard for? Yeah – that’s the feeling of life…sucking. Keep it up, and you too can have a guaranteed Life That Sucks.

Never Invest. Investing is when you put some of your money aside, and take a risk with it. Usually the risk results in your money having increased in value. Do it enough times with enough money, and one day you can retire. That’s investing. You probably see where I’m going with this: in order for your life to suck, you simply can’t be involved with any of this investing stuff. It will result in too many good things in your life, and plus it means you have to put money aside all the time (instead of spending it all).

Don’t Plan for Success. Instead, buy The Secret and believe it. When you get a bill, believe in the magic of The Secret and visualize a check and tell the Universe thank you for the money. What you don’t want to do is be a positive realist, and make plans to be a success. Just hope things turn out well, buy a lottery ticket every week, and your life will most likely continue to suck.

There’s an abundance of ways to make sure your life sucks. Getting an education, hard work, savings and investing, and risk-taking sure aren’t part of a life that sucks, however. Just follow the points above and I can guarantee your life will suck!

You can guarantee that bad things will happen to you by doing the these things, but there is no way to guarantee that bad things won’t happen to you. Protect yourself against misfortune with affordable and comprehensive health insurance. Get the best disability insurance quotes in case you’re hurt and unable to work, and even find cheap auto insurance in case of an accident.

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    10 Comments

    Comment by Philo
    2007-05-31 03:36:41

    Totally disagree on the kids issue. If you’re going to have kids, having them later in life is where the dark circles come from. By having kids *after* you’re established in your lifestyle, you resent having to deal with them and turn to nannies, daycares, and basically whatever you can do to avoid actually parenting.

    We had kids when we were 21. They’re now teenagers and we have a great, dynamic family. And they’re not teenagers with parents in their 50′s, and won’t be graduating college with parents in their 70′s.

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    Comment by cake
    2007-05-31 08:10:56

    Great article. As to the guy who had kids early, you were lucky. It certainly helped that you were in a stable family relationship, and mangaed to keep that until your kids became teenagers. Most young families don’t. Maybe a caveat should be and don’t have kids unless you have been in a stable relationship for a few years, and have talked about it with your partner. (ie. that means you single mums)

    I think most of us see this points as common sense, when you reach a certain age. Now we need to find a method of convincing younger kids of this stuff.

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    Comment by Fadzlan
    2007-05-31 11:01:03

    In some country, having a kid later in life is a bad decision. By having kids entering college when the parents are retired, most of them depleted their funds for their retirement in about three years.

    And in some place, people are considerate and understand each other when they have kids early in life, because it’s the way it is there.

    Ehem… there’s also some social pressure for newly weds to get kids early.

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    Comment by shawn
    2007-05-31 11:34:02

    @Philo – good point about the kids. We had our two boys relatively early and we wonder how “old” people could even DO it because it seems like every day we are completely beat. But I guess it’ll be cool when the kids are teens and we’re still “young” instead of old geezers. I just hadn’t thought of it from that point of view…

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    Comment by Mike
    2007-05-31 12:24:45

    He did say “before you’re ready” in the kids paragraph. I think this is more important than the actual age you have your kids. If at 21, you’ve got a well-established career, enough income to handle the extra costs, and enough security to know that you’ll be able to do so for the next 18 years, then by all means have kids. But if you’re fresh out of college and handing out flyers on the street, having a kid will likely have bad results (both for you and your spouse as well as the kid), regardless of how much you want a little bundle of joy.

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    Comment by poozer
    2007-05-31 12:35:08

    you kind of had me until you threw The Secret out there like a rotting fish carcass.

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    Comment by shawn
    2007-06-01 00:14:58

    @poozer – So…does that mean you LIKE The Secret or you DON’T like the Secret. Or are you just being mysterious?

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    Comment by rosie
    2007-06-01 19:28:19

    I think the key is that these are generalities- what works for some may not work for others. There are cases of people w/out college educations who do well, but it’s not the norm and is certainly not a recipes for success. As far as kids go, I think the emphasis is not age, but where you are at in life that matters.

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    2009-01-22 20:04:39

    I agree on all points except for your note on higher education. There are definitely successful entrepreneurial types who did not go to college. It is definitely not the ‘norm’, but there are certain types of people to whom the ‘must go to college’ rule does not apply.

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    2011-09-03 01:08:54

    The title and content is a little harsh but it really needs to be said. Thank you for the article, this should be a wake-up call for some people. They need to be woken up from the illusion that there is a chance for them to be successful while they do their vices and bad habits. Life doesn’t always have a fairytale book ending.

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