The Five Types of Customers I Hate Most

Today I’m kinda fed up. Not with you, dear reader. Not with anyone except for the five people who came my way today (obviously sent by satan or one of his minions).

These five people are all customers or potential customers at the e-commerce company I have a part in. We sell stuff on a website and it’s supposed to be pretty much straightforward: customer sees what they want to buy, adds to basket, pays with their credit card, and we send it to them.

Is it simple? Apparently not – to these people…

1. The luddite who calls me with their order. I’ll accept any order that comes my way, but I can not comprehend why someone would go to a website, pick out what they want and when it comes time to make the purchase, they hunt down the website customer service number and call in the order. It takes twice as long to call in an order. It’s not even a toll-free number. Why, I wonder, do they have a computer if they insist on speaking with a human (me)? It’s not any more “secure”. I have to input the order, so I end up placing the order just like they would: on the website.

2. The stone-ager who needs assistance in basic computer functions. My patience runs thin when someone calls us only to ask questions that actually pertain to how to use a computer. This shouldn’t be happening: it’s 2007. When they call me saying “Your web site isn’t working” and I ask “Which browser are you using?”, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to give me an intelligent answer. Instead I hear, “Umm…what do you mean ‘browser’?”.

3. The whiner who thinks return policies shouldn’t apply to them. You didn’t like the product? Fair enough. You want us to pay return shipping as well? And you don’t want to have to pay a restocking fee after you handled the product? Sorry, but we have a return policy for people like you. Receiving returned products that smell like your smoke-filled house and/or are coated with your cat’s hair just isn’t cool… We sent you a new product – you trashed it and want us to take it back, pay return shipping, and give you a full refund?? Are you smokin’ crack?

4. The old lady who asks me a specific question but won’t let me answer. Gosh, I really think you sound like a sweet old lady and you’re probably a swell grandma…but shut up for a second!!! You just asked me what size and color item number XZ102 is, and now you’re moving on to whether 6R-409 is weatherproof or not??

Me: “Um, yes ma’am that item will withstand tornadoes and mild hail –”

Old Lady: “What about this KC99 you carry? Do you have it in stock right now?

Me: “Yes, we do…now to answer your other question about the -”

Old Lady: “- because I was looking at one at a shop here in town – - are you located in Toledo?? Because I found your site by searching for -”

Me: “LADY!! Why are you DOING this to me???”

5. The procrastinating buyer who needs it NOW. Oh, you need this for a play that will be happening Wednesday evening? Two days from now? And you’re angry because you ordered the item last week and it won’t ship until tomorrow morning? Sorry man, but you ordered on a Friday afternoon – I know that was technically last week, but we don’t work all weekend. You’re gonna have to wait for your order to ship just like everyone else.

Okay, so maybe I sound like a whiney baby right now. I’ll get over it. But sometimes we deal with difficult people in business and it feels good to vent. Now, my comments on these people are a bit sarcastic, and I’m making a bit of a joke out of what I occasionally deal with.

But here’s the thing: as difficult as some people can be, when they become customers you just have to put up with them. Whether you work for someone else or you run your own business, your customers are the ones who ultimately give you a paycheck and you have to help them out.